How I talk about Beyond Chocolate

I am training to be a Chocolate Fairy. At a recent session, one of the more memorable discussions for me was that of honesty and testimony: how we remain authentic in our work spreading the Beyond Chocolate message.

Now, I really struggle with the prospect of being a Chocolate Fairy who tells people about how wonderful Beyond Chocolate and how much it’s changed my life, because I am still overweight.  I find it hard to believe that anyone would appreciate the changes that have occurred in my life over the past 3 years.  This may be true for some people I will speak to, they simply won’t be able to see the differences as my fat will be all they can see.  However, this assumption is largely based on my own insecurities and on my unsuccessful attempts to talk to people about Beyond Chocolate and elicit a positive response.

It occurred to me over the course of the training weekend why that was.  I always consider myself an honest and open person, I love to talk, especially when the subject is “me”.  At least that’s what I tell myself.  However, on closer examination I realise I don’t give people the details so I don’t really get the point across.  I talk about Beyond Chocolate in a more general sense.  I dabble in a bit of diet-bashing and make some very obvious comments to the detriment of the fashion industry, but I never really talk about my experiences or my relationship with food.  In fact when we were asked to think about this I realised I had blocked a lot of the pain from my memory.  

I had forgotten about the almost permanent feeling of guilt I had when I thought about food, which was pretty much all of the time.  The anxiety that I felt around eating food in restaurants or in friend’s homes, how I made choices based on whatever diet I was “on” at any one time instead of what I wanted or what my body was telling me that I needed.  I remember asking my friend on several occasions to fry onions in water instead of oil, she always accommodated but the shame I feel looking back at those times because I would binge on my own later.

The lack of guilt around food is the most significant change.  I don’t feel guilty eating food I enjoy anymore.  I feel unpleasant and experience regret when I eat food that feels wrong in my body.  What that food is depends on what day or time of day it is and what kind of mood I’m in and what I have been doing.  

Before I was constantly sneaking food and eating it in secret.  The boxes of chocolates I have bought under the guise of them being a gift then taking them home and guiltily consuming them at speed until the sticky chocolate clags up my mouth and I feel so thirsty and sick I swear I’ll never do it again.

I can’t say that I never binge now but I can say that I sometimes go very long periods of time without doing so.  I am going through a difficult stage at the moment and my episodes of overeating and bingeing have increased.  But I have something that I never had before… awareness.  I am not halfway through the box of chocolates before I realise it.   I know what I’m doing and I know why, most of the time, and I have tools to help me explore what I’m really stuffing down – usually anger.  Or what I am replacing with the food - usually love.

I know things about myself now that I simply had no idea about before my work with Beyond Chocolate.  I know that I overeat instead of living because it’s safer, nothing will change and I won’t have to face up to the fact that I create my destiny and things don’t just happen to those who are fortunate enough.  This is my work in progress and it won’t end.  I always want to be working to better myself but I also want to appreciate how far I have come, and it’s only by being honest and recalling what my life was like when I was endlessly dieting with no real hope of success, in any form, that I can truly see that.

I hope that I will run workshops one day, if I want to, because I do want to shout about it.  I want to scream that you are not alone and that it doesn’t have to be like this, to all of the women who feel that there is no hope and who are so tired they simply cannot go on in this battle with themselves over their bodies.   I want to do this because it’s true for me and my work with Beyond Chocolate is one of the most authentic things in my life.


Abbi Welch is training to be a Chocolate Fairy. If you would like to join our team, get an intensive dose of Beyond Chocolate for yourself as well as learn how to offer support to other women who want to stop dieting and have a healthy relationship with food and their body, read more about our Professional Training Programme.